Recognizing Yourself

I’m not a big shopper, but I do like nice things and once and a while I treat myself to a pretty bag or a pair of designer sunglasses.   I don’t like paying full price, so I shop sales and I get alerts from some great off-price websites. My favorite is RueLaLa.  If you don’t know about RueLaLa, let me know and I will fill you in, but the short version is I will find beautiful, designer items at their two day boutiques that I can actually afford. (Three kids in college, need I say more)  I love when Rue has a Vera Bradley boutique, or when Kate Spade comes up for sale and I’ve gotten my daughters some beautiful clothes.

However, recently, a boutique was an eye opener for me.  A wake-up call that I was indeed getting older. Rue had an expensive skin care line on sale. You know, creams and lotions and cleansers.   Anti-aging products and make-up designed to fix our flaws.  It was all there.  It was pricey stuff and I could get items at good prices.  And I got excited.  Really excited.

I got excited over moisturizer.   Oh. My. God.

So the question is: why?  Why am I excited at the prospect of getting some expensive remedy for my crow’s feet?  And the answer is simple: I’m fighting the aging process with everything I have.  I have no problem with getting older as long as I don’t look older. I sincerely doubt I’d have actual surgery, that’s just me, but I’m not above using other methods to keep my skin looking young.

What else am I doing? I’m exercising.  I’ve lost some weight and I have more to go, but it’s a good start.  I’m healthy and I want to stay that way.  And if any of you actually believed all that, I have a bridge to sell.  You want to know my biggest motivator?  My next birthday is a big one.  A crisis birthday, if you will, and while I have no delusions that I will be slipping into a single digit dress size any time soon, I would like to look better before then.   I’m vain.  That’s it. The fitness and the health are nice side benefits, but I don’t want to look like this anymore.

It’s possible I could change how I look and still worry.  Wrinkles, dress sizes? It might not matter.  I might still be an insecure mess regarding my appearance.  But for now, I’ll let the insecurity motivate me. It’s not hurting anyone and in the long run it will help me.

Maybe this all means that I’m still a work in progress.  I’m not done growing or changing. So it’s possible the insecurity I’m feeling is a good thing if it pushes me to better myself and deal with some of the demons. There are times in our lives that we have these personal epiphanies. Something triggers self-awareness.  The birth of a child, the death of someone important or facing something monumental can bring on a sense of understanding about who you are and who you want to be.

For the most part, I’m happy with the person I am. I have a wonderful husband, great kids, good friends and I do good work that I care about. Not a bad lot in life, even with some extra pounds and wrinkles. The challenge now is to embrace how I got here and accept the fact that I still have a way to go.  Don’t we all?